Where all the coffee is strong

SOMEDAY I'd like to see a live radio broadcast from Bill's Coffeeshop.

Over the years, there's been plenty of live music, theater and great conversation. And even a play which was written as if it were a radio show. But never an actual broadcast.

What I imagine for the Bill's Radio Show is a combination of music and talk, along with a regular cast of characters. Many shows like that, Prairie Home Companion for example, create fictional characters for their broadcasts.

The Bill's Radio Show wouldn't have to do that. We have plenty of real characters who could star as themselves. One example: Jason and Robert, two "techies" who work upstairs in North Hall. When they visit the coffeeshop together, they are often as funny as any comedy team. I recall one time thinking they are as good as the old radio team of Bob and Ray, or the Smothers Brothers.

John Stimmel, a longtime coffeeshop staffer who now works for HyVee, could also be a regular. He could retell some of his favorite stories. Here's one: There was a morning when the money for the day ended up in the freezer. The person closing couldn't find the key to put it in its usual spot. Of course, there was some confusion about where the money was. John found it and remarked: "This is some cold cash."

Stephen Sunstein could return and offer a monologue composed entirely of puns. He could end each of his appearances by pointing to the 25 cent piece taped across the nine on the clock: "That's so you'll know when it's a quarter to," he would say.

Pat Clemens could tell stories about collecting from people who left the coffeeshop without paying. One time, a faculty member was walking out with purchases just as I was coming in. "He didn't pay," she said to me. "You better go get him."

I would tell stories about the times when I called on the "Spirit of Bill" in the coffeeshop. Those were times when I had tried everything else to reduce moments of tension or soothe great stress. "I just hope the spirit of Bill is working today," I would say to myself.

Plus, a lot of other stories from the life of the coffeeshop: The mouse who lived under the Pop Cooler, A toaster oven which turns itself on and off at will, how that mirror stays up behind the counter.

And when it was time for the show to end, I imagine stepping up to the microphone and borrowing from Garrison Keillor for a farewell:

"That's all for this week from Bill's Coffeeshop:
Where all the coffee is strong, all the customers are good-looking, and all the conversations are above average."